"If Money Talks It Ain't On Speaking Terms With Me" is the title of a song written by J. Fred Helf. The song was first recorded by the Doherty Sisters in 1902, and also by the popular singer Arthur Collins. Helf's version has a great melody and chorus, and in this revised edition they remain untouched. I have substantially rewritten the verses, and I hope some of my words may provide solace for anyone with an empty pocket, "If your financial situation's in an sorry state, it might be that it's just a failure to communicate."

A Penny's Worth of Thoughts:
Fred Helf was born in 1870 in Kentucky and went to New York City at age 31 to seek his fortune. He composed over 100 popular songs during the first two decades of the twentieth century. Like many other composers of the period, Helf started his own publishing company which also published songs by some other composers. But the song, "If Money Talks It Ain't on Speaking Terms with Me" was not originally published by Helf, but by Sol Bloom, who after a run in the music publishing business was elected a member of the United States Congress, where he chaired the House Committee on Foreign Affairs from 1939-1949.

Bill Johnson's wife said, "Man since you've been old enough to vote
You promised my a lot
Of things I never got
You promised me a diamond ring, a gown, a sealskin coat
You're nothing but a promisory note!"

Poor Bill replied, "I'm sorry I could never toe the line
But don't blame me, 'cause money hasn't been a friend of mine
They say that money talks, but dear, to me it never spoke
It just gives me the silent treatment, so I'm always broke!"

If money talks, it ain't on speaking terms with me
It don't get close enough for such familiarity
I've coaxed it but it wouldn't come
So I'm convinced it's deaf and dumb
If money talks, it ain't on speaking terms with me

If your financial situation's in a sorry state
It might be that it's just a failure to communicate
It's hard to stay in touch when money goes its separate way
But you don't have to blame yourself, just pass the buck and say:

If money talks, it ain't on speaking terms with me
It don't get close enough for such familiarity
I've coaxed it but it wouldn't come
So I'm convinced it's deaf and dumb
If money talks, it ain't on speaking terms with me